Archive | March, 2016

Worst Case Scenario

31 Mar

Worst Case Scenario

 

6-20-16

 

GP

 

What is the worst case scenario for her and I?

That we release bundled up emotion and go too far too fast?

I feel restraint preventing that possibility

I feel like past experience will prevent that pitfall

But help me be vigilant and on guard

 

What else?

That we will not end up together?

That would hurt, but I think it would be worth it

We have had some depth, but not enough for a great heart break

But maybe I will be proven wrong

Protect our hearts Lord

 

How about the one I both hope for, but feel least likely?

That we will end up dating, but realize we are not meant to be

That we spend significant amount of time only to say goodbye?

Yet You have plans

You use us to sharpen each other

Be our guide

 

Other pitfalls abound

Getting physically intimate

Clinging to spiritual attachment

Stressing over both major and minor issues

Having to say goodbye at graduation

Making the same old mistakes

 

However the future isn’t completely bleak

I haven’t kissed her yet

An optimistic hope lingers in my thoughts

I have changed

This can be different

Yes we are three years apart

Yes she is younger than my sister

Yes we barely know each other

But I showed some restraint

It doesn’t seem like much, but not kissing her was a good step

 

This relationship felt different

Knowing that we had a short time, then a break

Followed by the promise of more time

It helped to know I would see her again

It helped to realize I didn’t need to rush to be intimate

It still felt too fast

Going from meeting one day and cuddling a few days later

Yet it is slower than most of my previous relationships

No long deep talks about personal details

No extended make out sessions not wanting the night to end

Replaced by a drive for punctuality

Replaced by a understanding of dangerous places

Trespassing a little, but skirting the line so far

 

Physical attraction exists

Yet I hope for more

She seems to desire You

But I could be building that up to justify my desires

 

Unhealthy attachment worries me in the background

What if she ends being someone I want to help like before?

What if I guide her, but she doesn’t lead me to You?

That possibility worries me most

It seems the most likely

I want to date someone who complements me

Rather than I trying to bring them up

 

Will she be the one who I need not just who I want

Can she be one who complements

One who is already a strong Christian

One who helps rather than drag down

One whose calm tempers my excitement

One who has style, when I have none

One who helps in ministry, rather than distract

One who pushes me towards Christ

 

Is she too young to be a good match?

Does she still need time to grow on her own?

I see glimpses of good qualities as well as possible problems

Her youth could lead to unhealthy attachment

But her passion for kids could lead to a great partnership

Time will tell

 

The idea that she may need more time catches my attention.

Perhaps we could work out if I am distant for a while and let her grow

Instead of rushing into a relationship in her first semester, maybe waiting is better

Waiting till after Christmas and giving her time settle in

I don’t want to give her time and worry it will allow us to grow apart

But I trust that You have a plan

I trust that patience is good

I trust that intimacy is a reward for commitment

 

But what does giving space look like?

We have already cuddled

We have already acted like a couple

How do we step back?

I still want to spend time together

I really am excited for her to be on my sand volleyball team

But I also don’t want to say we aren’t dating and act like we are anyways

I don’t want to spend the next two months expecting romance right away

I don’t want show physical affection just because of mutual attraction

I don’t want to give distance then expect a great reunion

I want patience, wisdom, peace, trust, love and more

 

Next Step Unclear

29 Mar

Next Step Unclear

 

6-20-15 Bali, Indonesia 

 

GP

 

So we like each other.

That much is obvious.

The next step remains unclear.

Two months till we see each other again.

Summer apart before college starts.

 

Two months is both long and short.

Long compared to the week we spent together.

Short when a potential year together seems likely.

Two months to step back and take things slowly.

 

Romance seemed out of reach for a season.

My senior year remains and my whole life after that.

Only You know where my life will lead.

A blank check in Your Hands.

 

Logic tells me it won’t work.

Too far apart by age, perspective, and more.

A freshman and a senior.

One starting a chapter, the other coming to the end of one.

 

Multiple paths lie before us.

Some good, some bad.

Whether we end up friends or something more.

Preparing for disappointment, but hoping for a pleasant surprise.

 

History speaks wisdom.

Cautioning restraint.

Allowing leeway.

History gives some guidance.

 

Cold calculation says we went too fast.

Emotions muddling clear thinking.

Emotions obscuring how little we know each other.

Cold calculation says we won’t last.

 

Momentary passions begging for a chance.

A chance to be friends.

A chance to be something more.

Momentary passions hoping for a happy ending.

 

Calm wisdom waiting for time.

Time to gain perspective.

Time to let flames of infatuation cool down

Calm wisdom willing to take a chance.

 

Bali Beauty

27 Mar

Bali Beauty

 

6-20-15 Bali, Indonesia

 

Unexpected romance.

College connections.

Casual walks.

Missed movies.

 

Relaxed restraint.

Fast friends.

Obvious intentions.

Sweet goodbyes.

 

Reflections on romance

27 Mar

Reflections on romance

 

6-1-15 1:15 am Manila, Philippines 

 

Romance is in my mind

Romance is in the books I read

Romance can be seen around me

Yet romance is not something I have personally

 

As I seek romance

I turn to lust to fulfill my desires

I turn to false images to satisfy my cravings

 

Please satisfy me

For only You can satisfy

Not an image

Not a feeling

Not a person

 

A summer that holds little potential for romance

Instead a summer full of opportunity for teaching

For encouraging those younger then me

For learning from others both young and old

 

Next year will be my final year of college

So much to do and so much to decide

For now, I have a summer full of travel

 

I could be jealous of my friends back in the US

I could be jealous of them hanging out together

I could be jealous of them working all summer

 

Or I could remember where I am

I could remember the countries I get to go to

The things I get to do

And be grateful for what You have blessed me with

 

The same can be applied to romance

I could be jealous of others in relationships

Jealous of those getting married

Jealous of those who are dating

Jealous of those who date for longer than a few months

 

 

Or I could appreciate the lessons I have learned

I could appreciate the time of singleness I have before me

I could appreciate the chance to grow and change without care for another

Yet I still feel drawn back to desires

Desires for a companion

For someone who is my helper and my friend

Someone who matches me in intelligence and adventure

Someone who shares my love for books and sports

Someone who drives me closer to Christ

Someone who understands my worries

Someone who relates to my concerns

Someone who can be there through the struggles

Someone who I can truly love

 

I am growing

I can see the difference just a year and a half has made

At the same time I still have much to learn

 

In the last year and a half I learned about the need for restraint

About the full dangers of lust

About the control I have in Christ

About the importance of the Church and my local church

And about so much more

 

 

Wasting time?

27 Mar

Wasting Time?

 

6-1-15 1:00 am Manila, Phillippines 

 

Time

 

Oh how I waste so much time

Playing stupid games.

It feels so important at the time, but I look back and wonder

What did I really just do for the last few hours?

 

But would I have done anything meaningful instead?

While waiting for a plane ride to be over?

While driving home?

While waiting in line?

 

Is boredom a thing to be avoided?

Or slowly encouraged?

 

Life contemplations

27 Mar

Life contemplations

 

5-24-15 Starbucks Philippines

 

Life is more than the pursuit of pleasure

It is more than just being entertained

Beyond games, movies, and more

Life has meaning

 

Summer

A time of rest

A time of break

A time for vacation

A time for relaxation

 

Summer

A time not to be wasted

A time not just to binge on TV

A time for growth

A time for rejuvenation

 

Glorify God and Advance the Gospel.

That is my creed.

 

Glorify You

in my life

through my thoughts

through my actions

 

Advance the Gospel

through boldness

even when uncomfortable

 

Glorify God and Advance the Gospel

Will I follow this during the summer?

 

Pause in time

27 Mar

Pause in time

 

5-3-25

 

Two weeks of the semester left

Seventeen days until I leave the country

 

One week since I fell to lust

One month since I fell to porn

 

A summer abroad

A summer apart from friends

 

Soon one year of college remains

Soon life will start to change

 

Nine days since my birthday

Nine days since I turned twenty-one

 

Six days short of five months writing

Six days short and almost halfway done